How to practise self-love by marrying yourself, and why self-partnering and sologamy are on th
The formal name for self-marriage is “sologamy”. It isn’t legally binding like a conventional marriage, but there are no laws against it anywhere in the world.
Sologamy has reportedly been around since the early 1990s when an American woman, Linda Barker, married herself in front of seven bridesmaids and 75 guests. But to some, the “Godmother” of sologamy is the fictional character, Carrie Bradshaw.
In a 2002 episode of the TV show, Sex and the City, she mused about marrying herself after lamenting that there are no special occasions that celebrate single people, aside from birthdays. Since the show aired, countless women, especially in the US, UK, Australia and Japan, have taken the solo plunge for real.
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In 2017, Erika Anderson married herself in New York to celebrate her independence and right to be single and happy.
“I would describe it as women saying yes to themselves,” she said. “It means that we are enough, even if we are not partnered with someone else.”
Like Anderson, Nneka Carter made a similar statement by marrying herself in Tampa, Florida, in front of 40 friends and family members. Her decision was prompted by her experiences during the pandemic.
“The pandemic reminded me that I just need me to be happy,” she said. “I didn’t want to feel alone or lonely because I didn’t have a companion, or I wasn’t in a relationship.”
Psychologist Ieva Kubiliute says that with more time spent at home alone, many individuals have opted for new methods to appreciate themselves and enhance self-compassion.
“Conducting a sologamy ceremony can be the perfect way to enhance self-compassion and appreciate yourself in the best way possible,” she says.
Some celebrities have also embraced self-partnering. Harry Potter actress Emma Watson, Victoria’s Secret model Adriana Lima, and Broadway singer Fantasia Barrino are among the stars who have publicly shared a commitment to themselves. All three subsequently started traditional relationships, but their declarations of independence are no less valid for that.
“It’s symbolic,” Lima told her Instagram followers in response to questions about the ring on her finger. “I am committed to myself and my own happiness. I am married with me.”
Self-marriage ceremonies come in many different forms, from traditional unions complete with customised vows, wedding dresses, flowers and cake, to any number of wild and wacky themed events with or without wedding guests.
Many self-weddings are do-it-yourself affairs. For example, one company in San Francisco, I Married Me, offers a self-wedding kit, which includes a wedding ring, vows and self-affirmation cards. But the wedding and hospitality industry has also begun to cater to the “Me, Myself and I” clientele.
In Mexico, the Rosewood Mayakoba’s Sense Spa in Riviera Maya has offered a four-day Marry Oneself Journey complete with your own private shaman consultation. In Japan, where the traditional marriage rate is declining, solo weddings are touted as a growing trend among women who crave the romance of a wedding but not the commitment of an actual marriage.
Currently, several Japanese travel agencies and photo studios offer single wedding packages that may include a dress, hair and make-up, flowers, a limo, and a photo shoot. Most of their clients are young women looking to have some fun while asserting their independence, though some divorcees, along with married women whose big day was a let down, also sign up for the wedding of their dreams.
At first glance, marrying yourself might seem somewhat conceited. However, proponents claim it’s a feel-good gesture of self-belief rather than narcissism, as Roberta Lyndall Fincham, who married herself at the age of 55, explains.
“I chose to do this in recognition of the culmination of my journey to loving and accepting myself, and recognition that I didn’t need to be in a romantic relationship with a significant other to be happy or find fulfilment,” she said.
“If someone has achieved something so important as self-love and self-compassion, then it’s definitely worth celebrating. Why should couples have all the fun?”
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